body posts

You Have Body Image Issues? But You Post So Many Selfies?

April 8, 2016

snow-white-queen-body-image

If I had a pound for each time somebody asked me this question, I wouldn’t be claiming Universal Credit, put it that way. Assuming that you’re a frequenter of my blog, you may have happened upon a post which outlines my history of eating disorders and poor body image. If not, I would politely recommend you have a gander at the first post as this has a lot to do with the BDD I have surrounding my face shape.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been quite the ardent selfie-taker. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always vehemently despised the shape of my face. If you’re (un)lucky enough to be close to me, you may have had to endure a drunken Ebony sobbing over the fact that “no matter how skinny I get, my face will always be fat” around the 3am point of a night out (sobs, sniffs and chip breaks edited out for concision). If you’re a friend of mine on Facebook, you’ll find that the vast majority of my tagged photos are of me artfully perched next to a friend, selfie pose initiated, always the one in control of the camera – a stark lack of normal group shots or candid snaps.

For this, and the fact that I post at least one selfie to my Instagram a week, people seem to assume that I’m vain and utterly besotted with my own reflection. My exes have thought it, former frenemies have thought it, even my own mother thinks it – despite watching me physically shrink myself through my eating disorder as a teenager, in a futile bid to burn off the biological shape of my facial bone structure.

I wish this was the case. I wish that every time my nan gleefully brandished her camera and declared it family photo time, I could happily oblige without the fear of subsequently looking at the image and wanting to quite genuinely take a knife to my own jawline (or lack thereof). I wish I could be less uptight and not beat myself up for days after seeing pictures from a party, ruthlessly berating myself for not having the dainty heart-shaped faces of my friends. I wish I could let boyfriends take cute candid pictures of me without getting in a psycho tizz if I look like a glorified moon adorned in red lipstick. I wish my head would let me spend more time caring about things that actually fucking matter in the world.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I feel like a badass bitch and I do everything in my power to internalise the fact that I have a similar face-shape to Dita Von Teese, and she’s an internationally-renowned, bonafide bloody babe. However, even on those days, let somebody pull a camera out and watch how quickly my face contorts, or how I just magically disappear altogether.

So, where do these selfies come in? If I’m such a moon-face, why am I always whoring it out across my social solar system? Why is my Instagram curated solely of my meticulously vsco-cammed pouts, some vegan meal snapshots to profess how endlessly virtuous I am, and a bunch of personally relevant quotes/poems? Am I just completely vapid and shallow?

When I take a picture of my face/body/outfit on Instagram, I’m conforming to the social media standards of externalising my life to look all refined and rose-tinted-glasses, but I’m also striving to internalise a version of myself into my own head – one that isn’t the moon-face. One that has cheekbones and an actual jawline and a face that doesn’t look like it belongs to a podgy 12-year-old. One that hasn’t led me to starve myself or self-harm because I can’t handle the ‘reality’ of it. Given the nature of BDD, whereby I haven’t the frigging foggiest as to what exactly my face-shape actually looks like in person, I tend to use images of myself as a form of body-checking which, in turn, creates an internalised ‘reality’ of what I look like mentally.

By taking all of these staged, angled and filtered up-to-the-nines pictures, and surrounding myself with them – projecting them out to the world – they become ‘me’, and I can just about handle being that ‘me’. If I lived life with the gay abandon of most people who aren’t lunatics and let people take photographs of me here/there/everywhere, I would internalise myself as this fat, satsuma-shaped mess and my self-esteem would baseline, leading to my eating disorder’s immediate resurfacing. Whether that’s what I actually look like, or not.

It may seem delusional, bizarre or just completely fucking stupid, but it’s how I get by day-to-day and it’s just one of the mechanisms I use to help myself get out of bed. If anybody can relate, in any shape or form, kindly leave me a comment or hit me up on Twitter @Ebzo, cause I’m a tad concerned that I sound insane right now. But I beg of you: nobody ask me that fucking question again…

Ditch The Slap For Summer.

June 17, 2013

Summer’s here, sun cream’s flying off the shelves and we’re all out in the garden having BBQs. Well, perhaps one weekend each month we have the luxury of such weather, being begrudging citizens of the United Kingdom. The first thing we see after the teensiest hint of sunshine is an absolute fake-tan army, patrolling the streets, our shitty beaches, or even just loitering around the local Spar with a couple Calippo lollies – a complete onslaught of orange. I hate it. It’s probably one of my most anti-beauty blogger opinions, and may even get me banished from the blogosphere but, I bloody hate fake tan. It’s nigh impossible to get done properly, unless you’re in the know and of a well-padded bank account, which we all know accounts only for the tiniest minority of Britain’s population. Instead, we get faced with young girls and ladies committing one of many ‘sun’-kissed sins: streaks/OTT orange pigmentation/different coloured foundations to fake tan – it goes on and on. Not to mention the grim side effects. You’re either going to smell funny, drip brown liquid over all your belongings/bedsheets/boyfriends, or take the other option and get cancer, or just botch up your facial skin quality by whapping on the slap and causing breakouts.

Now, how much of Britain’s fake tan obsession do you think spurns from the media, or peer pressure? I’d say a damn good amount. When I was in high school, I was relentlessly bitched at by the chavvy girls due to my ghostly white complexion, usually in a guise of being utterly perplexed that I didn’t bother slapping colour on me that was a good 10 shades darker than the Snow White pigment I was born with. As long as you take care of your skin properly, it doesn’t matter what damn colour it is. If you consistently shave, exfoliate and moisturise, your skin will look radiant and healthy in the sun regardless! You don’t have to add further stressors to your life by thinking you can’t leave the house without a 2cm layer of paste all over you. It’s just bizarre to me.

But I’m not the only one who feels like embracing my natural tone and working with it. Here are some pale celebrity goddesses:

Rooney Mara

 

Taylor Swift

Nicola Roberts

Amanda Seyfried

Charlotte Free

My main change to my beauty regime that, unless I’m going on a night out, I have completely and utterly cut out foundation – sticking instead to using just moisturiser, concealer when necessary, and the odd bit of powder on my t-zones. This has been going on for nearly a month now and I cannot begin to explain how much of a difference it has made my complexion. My skin is clearer than its ever been, my freckles are proudly mooching around my cheeks and the overall finish is much cleaner and natural. Being so pale, I find it difficult to find any foundation that actually suits me for more than a season anyway, so I thought I’d brave being naked for a while and get to the root of the problem, that foundation was only covering up and worsening anyway!

I say: give it a try. And if it doesn’t work, you can send me nasty emails. But I’m pretty damn sure you’ll see great results and you’ll learn to feel comfortable with the quality and shade of your own skin tone within no time – no more wasting time and money on bottles of orange gunk – let the warmth of summer bring out your natural glow. If you’ve tried to cut out any beauty product recently – let me know how it went! Here’s a blatant piss-take photo from my holiday in March, where I braved Morocco without bothering with fake tan:

Tweet me @Ebzo

Upcoming Giveaway – The Body Shop’s New BB Cream.

October 18, 2012

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SheSaidBeauty: Specially Picked Beauty Products – Delivered.

August 6, 2012

Beauty boxes are a growing fad amongst those in the fashion ‘know’ – with the likes of the GlossyBox and LatestInBeauty sending out samples and fullsize beauty/makeup products under a monthly subscription. I’ve known about them for a while now but have always been dubious about how beneficial they will actually prove.

 

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Ebony. 25. Manchester.
Marketing Manager who likes to mouth off on here about stuff she cares about. Expect mental health, Borderline Personality Disorder, and reviews - from restaurants, to books, to fashion. Talks to cats more than people, but seemingly has a lot to say.
ebonylaurenn@gmail.com