Just to kick start this post, there’s is a definite chance that I may actually be in the midst of procrastinating in said library as we speak. There’s a chance that the entire fundamental basis of this post is summed up in the crime that I’m currently committing. Sue me. We’re all feeling it – studentitis, that terrifying onslaught of bizarre compulsions which seem only to be triggered when we wander wayward into our university’s hallowed library walls. Currently, I’m flailing in the throes of the dreaded godfather of studentitis: thirdyearitis. Muffle your screams. So, on the vibe of  ‘there’s no time like the present’ (to waste some more valuable library-dwelling minutes) – I think it’d be a brilliant opportunity to simply give in to my nagging longing to write and compile this utterly pointless, but hopefully entertaining amalgamation of library-procrastination-thought-processes: (somebody come find me and stop this madness)

1. Listlessly attempt to avert gaze from people watching. Whilst in the feral terrains of campus, eye contact with these strange creatures is strictly forbidden – but in the craptastic atmosphere of the library, anything’s a first-class drama: an unfortunately amusing sneeze would hit the spot right now. Hell, would rather have a conversation than write this essay. A conversation with Paris Hilton, even.
2. Torture self over whether that abandoned Evian bottle is full of piss, or just orange juice. Please, please god be orange juice.
3. Fight sudden urge to take up sock darning/gardening/thimble-collecting. Be beaten by stronger urge to mindlessly Google ‘World’s Biggest Thimble Collection’ (it’s 8,003 – you don’t have to thank me).
4. Briefly wonder what would happen if you stripped off and ran screaming through the aisles, throwing books off the balcony. On plus side, if you got thrown out – you’d no longer have to write a dissertation, right?
5. Organise life into a myriad of lists. To-do, to-don’t, wishlists, favourite breeds of cat… Debate list-making for toilet visits and even consider venturing into writing a list for when you ought to write more lists.
6. Ironically indulge in animalistic bout of longing for indulgence. Fantasise about wild masturbation, followed by a GIRLS marathon, teamed with a bottomless bag of Doritos. Fantasise about bathing in pink champagne and drinking way out. Fantasise about life post-degree. Inspire Step 7:
7. Battle inherent fear of leaving university and having to live at home again. Fret incessantly over the possibility of no longer living off favourite cereal and rosé, the prospect of having a screechy parent as an alarm clock once more, and the cessation of life as an occasional nudist.
8. Consider the physiological aspects of twerking. Do extensive research, watch countless YouTube videos, until you almost forget surroundings and go for it Miley-style at the desk.
9. Watch every single music video by Rihanna that ever was. Rinse and repeat for every single Vevo-residing popstar on the planet. Realise it’s nearly midnight and the word count’s at 3. And that was just from when you accidentally leant on the keyboard.
10. Wonder what sick bastard decided to put so few Milky Stars in the packet. Consider wasting time with an angry letter to Mars Consumer Care. Fuck it off and go buy another bag of Milky Stars. Accidentally fuck the library off and go home…