smoking posts

2014 Beauty New Year’s Resolutions.

December 31, 2013

I got the inspiration to write this post from the lovely Allie-May at TheFridayGirl and thought I’d have a bash at trying to compile my own beauty resolutions – whilst probably accidentally revealing my beauty-related sins. As a fashion/beauty writer, I’m a bit of a shit – I rely heavily on the prowess (and consequential damage) of face-wipes, I’m about as ‘tonered’ as I am toned, and I couldn’t sit still long enough to fanny about with all that cucumbers-on-eyes crap. Here goes:

  • Let’s State the Obvious: Down With the Face-wipes!

I’m a junkie, it’s true. Even if I’ve washed my face in the shower with actual cleanser, I’ll jump out with panda eyes and reach for yet another satanic face-wipe. On the whole, it admittedly doesn’t seem to do too much damage, save for a bit of dry skin and the odd concentrated spot of spot-related-mass-destruction. Somebody, take my hand and lead me to Selfridges and help me find something less lazy and blasphemous to my kind, please. Hopefully, once I receive my Cleanse Off Mitt I’ll take it upon myself to get into a new routine. Let me know if you commit this mortal sin, too.

  • Less Ridiculous, Stupid Insane Things That I Should Never Do – Ever.

Often including alcohol, but not always. These include wonders such as occasionally shaving my moustache off with a razor – yes. Yes Internet, I do this sometimes. Expecting some sort of blogger police to turn up at the house the second I press ‘Publish’ on this badboy. One day I will wake up with a full-blown handlebar moustache and know I’ve learned my lesson – but I’d probably keep it for a week first. Others include cutting my fringe when drunk – which I’m going to do tonight for old time’s sakes – given I’m currently sat with what can only be tritely described as a ‘fanny fringe’, so I can actually see my laptop screen.

  • Smoke Less, Smile More

The wonderful combination of both nicotine addiction and caffeine dependency is taking its toll on Nash’s gnashers. This year, I aim to at least cut down smoking – but moreso, I want to find a really good teeth whitening service or kit. If you know of one, please hit me up – would be nice to change my default bitch face to something a bit more chipper.

 

 

4 ‘Easy’ Ways To Channel Miley Cyrus.

December 11, 2013

Crowned here, there and everywhere as the ‘(T)IT’ girl of 2013, Miley Cyrus has been adorning our screens with her effortlessly tasteful garbs all year long now. Boys want to bang her, so naturally girls want to therefore emulate her, or jealously throw her to the hills – personally, I’d like to give her a good wake up call and tell her to stop giving us fellow early 20-somethings a bad name. I mean, despite being a whole 6 months younger than good ol’Miles, I’ve managed to get through most of my twentieth year without a) taking my top off for a ‘photographer’ who’s blatantly a pervert and allegedly a rapist b) wearing clothes that cover only around 5% of my body’s surface area c) flowering my Twitter/Instagram account with queerly hip-hop rapper-esque shit like “wit” “ting” and anything else that will probably end up in the dictionary alongside “selfie”, the way we’re headed.

So today, I thought, in the nature of my fashion-related blog, I’d create a little run-down of how to channel the little starlet:

  • Expose as much of your pubic region/hip region as is humanly possible without betraying the whereabouts of your g-spot.

For best results, ensure that you have underwear tan lines – not because you don’t tan properly – oh no, simply because we want people to see quite how tiny and risqué your underwear is – y’know, when you’re actually wearing it. You’re so sexually liberated! My favourite thing about this look is the covetable, world’s-most-confused-feminist Miley appearance it creates, eerily akin to every little girl’s first love: the Ken doll. Not content with being barely dressed with our blatantly feminine arses out, it’s now seemingly cool to show off that bizarre bit where thigh meets pelvis. Sexy. OH yeah, and again – ensure that any photographs taken of you in said loin cloth are taken by an infamously well-known pervert (hiya Terry Richardson, yeah I do mean you).

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Ebony. 25. Manchester.
Marketing Manager who likes to mouth off on here about stuff she cares about. Expect mental health, Borderline Personality Disorder, and reviews - from restaurants, to books, to fashion. Talks to cats more than people, but seemingly has a lot to say.
ebonylaurenn@gmail.com