twerk posts

Dubiously Dressed Celebrities of the Day.

December 12, 2013

After the glee-filled writing process and reception I got from yesterday’s Miley Cyrus piece, I thought I’d continue on a mildly sarcastic thread – I may even make this post a weekly feature if it is well received. Every single day, as I get bombarded with media snaps of celebrity appearances, like so many of us, I get overwhelmed with the urge to scream “But I could’ve done so much better with all your money, what is wrong with you, why why why *incomprehensible mumbles of jealousy*” at magazines/Perez Hilton.com/the TV/’the wall. So, in a gloriously petty act of poor-person-with-good-taste solidarity, here are some of my favourite blunders of the day:

  • Rita Ora – The Dorchester Hotel – 11/12/2013

 

To get this look, and a number of quizzical ones from your adoring public, I’d suggest taking on the persona of a panto-character with a severe case of multiple personality disorder. On the bottom, we’re going for the covetable role of ‘giraffe extra’ in ‘The Lion King’, moving up to a haphazard stab at channelling Aladdin with that divinely confused waistcoat – onto the pièce de résistance: the Snow Queen jacket. Be sure to carry a similarly large, pointless handbag, where you can store your real clothes to change into before leaving rehearsals – something Rita unfortunately forgot to do.

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4 ‘Easy’ Ways To Channel Miley Cyrus.

December 11, 2013

Crowned here, there and everywhere as the ‘(T)IT’ girl of 2013, Miley Cyrus has been adorning our screens with her effortlessly tasteful garbs all year long now. Boys want to bang her, so naturally girls want to therefore emulate her, or jealously throw her to the hills – personally, I’d like to give her a good wake up call and tell her to stop giving us fellow early 20-somethings a bad name. I mean, despite being a whole 6 months younger than good ol’Miles, I’ve managed to get through most of my twentieth year without a) taking my top off for a ‘photographer’ who’s blatantly a pervert and allegedly a rapist b) wearing clothes that cover only around 5% of my body’s surface area c) flowering my Twitter/Instagram account with queerly hip-hop rapper-esque shit like “wit” “ting” and anything else that will probably end up in the dictionary alongside “selfie”, the way we’re headed.

So today, I thought, in the nature of my fashion-related blog, I’d create a little run-down of how to channel the little starlet:

  • Expose as much of your pubic region/hip region as is humanly possible without betraying the whereabouts of your g-spot.

For best results, ensure that you have underwear tan lines – not because you don’t tan properly – oh no, simply because we want people to see quite how tiny and risqué your underwear is – y’know, when you’re actually wearing it. You’re so sexually liberated! My favourite thing about this look is the covetable, world’s-most-confused-feminist Miley appearance it creates, eerily akin to every little girl’s first love: the Ken doll. Not content with being barely dressed with our blatantly feminine arses out, it’s now seemingly cool to show off that bizarre bit where thigh meets pelvis. Sexy. OH yeah, and again – ensure that any photographs taken of you in said loin cloth are taken by an infamously well-known pervert (hiya Terry Richardson, yeah I do mean you).

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Ebony. 25. Manchester.
Marketing Manager who likes to mouth off on here about stuff she cares about. Expect mental health, Borderline Personality Disorder, and reviews - from restaurants, to books, to fashion. Talks to cats more than people, but seemingly has a lot to say.
ebonylaurenn@gmail.com