Crowned here, there and everywhere as the ‘(T)IT’ girl of 2013, Miley Cyrus has been adorning our screens with her effortlessly tasteful garbs all year long now. Boys want to bang her, so naturally girls want to therefore emulate her, or jealously throw her to the hills – personally, I’d like to give her a good wake up call and tell her to stop giving us fellow early 20-somethings a bad name. I mean, despite being a whole 6 months younger than good ol’Miles, I’ve managed to get through most of my twentieth year without a) taking my top off for a ‘photographer’ who’s blatantly a pervert and allegedly a rapist b) wearing clothes that cover only around 5% of my body’s surface area c) flowering my Twitter/Instagram account with queerly hip-hop rapper-esque shit like “wit” “ting” and anything else that will probably end up in the dictionary alongside “selfie”, the way we’re headed.
So today, I thought, in the nature of my fashion-related blog, I’d create a little run-down of how to channel the little starlet:
- Expose as much of your pubic region/hip region as is humanly possible without betraying the whereabouts of your g-spot.
For best results, ensure that you have underwear tan lines – not because you don’t tan properly – oh no, simply because we want people to see quite how tiny and risqué your underwear is – y’know, when you’re actually wearing it. You’re so sexually liberated! My favourite thing about this look is the covetable, world’s-most-confused-feminist Miley appearance it creates, eerily akin to every little girl’s first love: the Ken doll. Not content with being barely dressed with our blatantly feminine arses out, it’s now seemingly cool to show off that bizarre bit where thigh meets pelvis. Sexy. OH yeah, and again – ensure that any photographs taken of you in said loin cloth are taken by an infamously well-known pervert (hiya Terry Richardson, yeah I do mean you).
- Kill two birds with one stone: promote eating disorders AND objectification of women in one outfit!
You’ve almost got to hand it to Miley, she’s damn resourceful – managing to commit at least 6 crimes against fashion/feminism/universal self-esteem within what – 12 inches of dubiously coloured material? For inspiration regarding this look, take a trip to the seediest parts of Paris – into the creepiest, desolate porn shops, to the back of the back of the shelf. Then wear less clothes than them. And if possible, ensure that you have a camera crew following you – or at least an upcoming TV performance, so you can instil the idea that what you are doing is completely kosher, to those aged sixteen and under. Do not twerk or grind on anyone, unless they have a penis and it is clothed in a suit. Always a suit (even a santa suit, if you want to get seasonal). Finally, fashion hair into two antennae cones, to remind the public that you’re currently actually being controlled by aliens, and there’s no need to worry about society’s impending doom.
- Wear this year’s ultimate accessory: the inane, but fabulously chic tongue-loll.
If there’s anything a human being wants to see on an attractive young lady, it’s definitely a mossy-white, smokers’ tongue. Gimme’ some of that. Seemingly, there has begun an addiction so palpable, that it’s taken A-listers all over the globe, from America’s big love Miley, to the world’s other misguided sweetheart, Cara Delevingne – basically, if I can’t see the damage that those Marlboros have done to your fuzzy tongue-lining, you may as well just stay indoors and knit cat fur. If perchance, the longing to leave the house wearing something fashioned from a fisherman’s net strikes you – be sure to pop a couple of jaffa cakes on top of your nipples for safe-keeping and a handy office-to-strip club look.
- Wear superfluous accessories JUST in case, somehow, people still don’t realise how fabulously rich you are.
Perhaps Miley Cyrus had an incredibly important meeting to scoot off to after her Jingle Ball appearance, or maybe her bag contained the priceless blueprints for her next new lingerie get-up, I mean – stage outfit. Hey, maybe she’s upgraded her Chanel solely to fit more than one joint in there now, who knows? But ladies, if you’re going to be wearing next to nothing in the public sphere soon, make sure to carry a bag that’s bigger that the bottoms you’re wearing – not only can you look super important and effortlessly wealthy, you can use it next week to cut holes in and fashion as another pair of high-waisted ‘shorts’.
I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate Miley on what seems to be her only sensible decision thus far, this year – this hair do: (I would also like to immediately retract the statement as the hair do disappeared back to the usual shaved number, merely a day later)
Sort yer shit out, Miley. xo