bbloggers posts

2014 Beauty New Year’s Resolutions.

December 31, 2013

I got the inspiration to write this post from the lovely Allie-May at TheFridayGirl and thought I’d have a bash at trying to compile my own beauty resolutions – whilst probably accidentally revealing my beauty-related sins. As a fashion/beauty writer, I’m a bit of a shit – I rely heavily on the prowess (and consequential damage) of face-wipes, I’m about as ‘tonered’ as I am toned, and I couldn’t sit still long enough to fanny about with all that cucumbers-on-eyes crap. Here goes:

  • Let’s State the Obvious: Down With the Face-wipes!

I’m a junkie, it’s true. Even if I’ve washed my face in the shower with actual cleanser, I’ll jump out with panda eyes and reach for yet another satanic face-wipe. On the whole, it admittedly doesn’t seem to do too much damage, save for a bit of dry skin and the odd concentrated spot of spot-related-mass-destruction. Somebody, take my hand and lead me to Selfridges and help me find something less lazy and blasphemous to my kind, please. Hopefully, once I receive my Cleanse Off Mitt I’ll take it upon myself to get into a new routine. Let me know if you commit this mortal sin, too.

  • Less Ridiculous, Stupid Insane Things That I Should Never Do – Ever.

Often including alcohol, but not always. These include wonders such as occasionally shaving my moustache off with a razor – yes. Yes Internet, I do this sometimes. Expecting some sort of blogger police to turn up at the house the second I press ‘Publish’ on this badboy. One day I will wake up with a full-blown handlebar moustache and know I’ve learned my lesson – but I’d probably keep it for a week first. Others include cutting my fringe when drunk – which I’m going to do tonight for old time’s sakes – given I’m currently sat with what can only be tritely described as a ‘fanny fringe’, so I can actually see my laptop screen.

  • Smoke Less, Smile More

The wonderful combination of both nicotine addiction and caffeine dependency is taking its toll on Nash’s gnashers. This year, I aim to at least cut down smoking – but moreso, I want to find a really good teeth whitening service or kit. If you know of one, please hit me up – would be nice to change my default bitch face to something a bit more chipper.

 

 

Pipe-dreamin’: Giles by Giles Deacon.

December 29, 2013

The second the Christmas period arrives, I somehow get it into my head that I’ll somehow be able to afford EVERYTHING that ever was made by anyone ever – solely due to the sales. However, this is seldom (never, ever) the case and so, again – I bestow upon you another lust-filled wishlist, this time in the guise of the swish GILES line. They are sale items though, if you’re feeling a little more flush than myself…

  • White Polka Dot Silk Blouse – Was £530: now £265

Anybody who knows me in real life, or is a veteran reader of my blog, will know that I have an undying love for blouses – especially ones that are thick enough to cover your bra. The main thing I love about this shirt is that it’s quietly a naughty little minx: whilst the polka dot print may look all doe-eyed and innocent, the polka dots are in fact designed to represent the ventilators on fetish masks – ooh rather. Go on Giles, you dirty bugger. In the words of Icona Pop: I love it.

  • Pink Ikat Lace Dress – Was £1,255: now £627

Speaking of thick and hulking (ho, ho, ho) – the material of this dress perfectly reflects its hefty price-tag, which is something that I seldom find adds up with some designers. I’d have to team this with a ridiculously tight waist-cincher, to avoid looking a bit too oldyworldy/old lady, but it’s absolutely darling with that sleeve detailing.

  • Pale Pink Studded Blouse – Was £620: now £310

Giles is at it again with this deceptively cheeky number – look closely for those grungy gold spikes around the neck, eerily reminiscent of a BDSM dog collar. The garish mixed with the glamorous is so craftily done here – shame I’d have to start making BDSM videos of my own, if I wanted to buy one…

To check out the rest of the line, visit Avenue32 here. 

A New Spin on New Year’s Resolutions.

December 29, 2013

Every single year we torture ourselves with endless lists of things we find particularly shitty about ourselves, that we find need to be changed. ‘I’m too fat’ – New Year’s Resolution to lose 15lbs/join a gym/eat less awesome things. ‘I don’t try hard enough’ – New Year’s Resolution to strive more, and then beat the mental living crap out of yourself when it transpires that you can’t always give 100% because, hey: you’re only human. My point is, every damn year we turn New Year into this self-deprecating spiral, subjecting ourselves to inescapable impending self-hatred – of our own making! So, this year – given I’m usually renowned for being a negative nancy (my boyfriend was disgusted that out of 13 Snapchats he received on Christmas morning, 12 were of happy smiling friends saying ‘Happy Christmas’, then there was one off me with a santa hat over my face with ‘My eyes are bleeding’ – you get my drift) – I’d opt for a happier tone this year.

And how better to achieve this, than for us all to rally together, and each create a post in which we celebrate the things we actually do like about ourselves, instead of focusing on the stuff we hate? If you want to be part of this tag, write a blog post listing 5 – 10 things you love about yourself and link it on here, or to me on my Twitter (@Ebzo) for me to promote. It would be so amazing if, by New Year, we could have a collection of these to look through – great for those days when you forget just how un-shit you actually are. Who’s with me?

Here’s 10 things that I don’t think are completely bloody awful about myself:

  1. My eyeliner skills are nearly unparalleled. Come rain, come tears, come shine – I will be religiously sporting slick cats eyes wherever I am. I even do it for 9am seminars… Come on, where’s the medal?
  2. For a weedy white girl, I am a pretty big fan of my bum – it’s dayumn perky.
  3. I am extraordinarily talented at writing absolute bullshit – perks of being a copywriter. I can write about anything: semen-increasing drugs, car wheels, Miley Cyrus – you name it, I’m your girl.
  4. I am also reasonably talented at writing stuff that isn’t absolute bullshit – and I’m really quite proud of myself for maintaining my own persona and voice in everything I write. Allll the love to other bloggers who do this, too.
  5. Despite having dodgy eyebags and chubby cheeks, I can use this to my advantage to scare off creepers: I can lift my cheekbones up to make my irises disappear. This probably isn’t a perk, but it makes for a damn good Snapchat…
  6. I might be part cat – my meows have been mistaken for their real counterparts on many an occasion. Again, we’re verging away from perks to the plain weird, now…
  7. My lips are boss. Getting used to having two fat orange segments for lips has taken some time, but I’m finally embracing their awesome factor. They don’t call me BJ-lips for nothing… urrr.
  8. I might be a walking synthesizer: my sister and I can emulate men when we sing – it’s quite impressive. I can also sing like a normal person, but I think that’s cooler.
  9.  Back to the cats – I can 9 times out of 10 tell you exactly what breed any cat is that you place in front of me. This is due to a very severe chronic onset of cat-obsession that began to bloom when I was around 9 years old. Apparently I’ll never recover.
  10. My feet are cute. Feet are often long stubs of ming, but mine are teensy tiny size 3s and therefore, reasonably cute – so I’ve been told. However, they’re a little bitch for wearing heels – carrying my bodyweight on such a pathetic surface area is torture.

So there you have it – that’s my list. I’ve heard from a few bloggers on Twitter who are going to get involved, let’s try and make this big. Down with the resolutions, hear hear to celebrating who we actually are!

Self-Indulgent and Inescapable: The Christmas Haul.

December 29, 2013

I call it a haul, but I suppose it’s more of a communal gift dump, bestowed upon me by my loving family and friends. This year, I focused rather stringently on asking for vain and aesthetic presents: dresses/dresses/dresses/MAC-anything – and it worked out quite well. I received some gorgeous bits and bobs, here are a few pieces (I won’t be that wazzock that lists them all, lest you think I’m bragging – and put it this way, I’m still yet to get a Mulberry. Hand me the violin):

  • Forever 21 – Daring Cutout Bodycon Dress – £16.75

Arguably the sluttiest piece I have in my entire wardrobe – perhaps even surpassing my Ann Summers drawer – this dress is a corker, and I’m highly surprised my dad agreed to buy it for me (cheers dad). Definitely one only ever to be sported with black tights and nothing less, I have gone to wear this for a meal/casino night out recently and changed last minute, due to my nipples repping nothing short of the ‘telescopic Bowie antennae’ look. Maybe I’ll wear this one when the chill wears off a little…

  • Forever 21 – Enchanted Velveteen Maxi Skirt – £12.75

Check out those thigh splits – Angelina Jolie, eat yer heart out, love. I’ve been on a bit of a goth stint recently (by recently, rather circa 1993), and velvet is right up my back alley, especially when it’s floaty and mental and quite fun to team with killer boots. I’ve been wearing this with a Forever 21 black lace sweater, but I’m looking forward to returning to my flat and sporting it with one of my cropped t-shirts. Wearing around Leigh town centre has garnered a fair share of scathing chav glares.

  • Empty Casket – Amethyst Pentagram Cord Necklace – £16.00 

I’m guessing you’ve caught on to the goth influences by now, no? This is such a nifty piece: the frame opens out like a pendant, allowing you to wear it without the amethyst if it clashes with an outfit, or switch with other stones if you wish to collect them. The only thing I’d like to change about it is that it’s a bit too long: I wanted a choker style, given I’ve managed to break my last two. I’m wearing it on the Forever 21 dress picture above anyway, if you’re interested. This gem is currently sold out, but there are other styles – and other drool-worthy pieces – available on the site.

  • Lush Cosmetics – My Fair Lady Gift Set – £31.95 

My connection with this gift set thus far, is verging on the mildly psychotic. I found myself cuddling the ‘Miranda’ soap for quite the inordinate space of time earlier, hugging it to my nose like you’d do with a newly-bought puppy (if you liked dogs, that is). Basically, it all smells damn grand. Out of all the products included, I’ve only ever tried the Charity Pot before, which is luscious – determined to keep exfoliating/moisturising every single day now (we can only live in hope). The Tiny Hands solid hand cream bar might be a favourite so far, I’m going to have none left if I don’t stop smooshing it – the consistency is so invitingly butter-melty and luxurious. Elizabeth Arden, your hand cream reign is over: it smells exponentially better than you.

I could yanner on all day and bore you all to tears – there were other bits and pieces like: an ASOS PVC dress that I’ve been lusting over for months, some more Gucci Guilty perfume, the MAC Prep + Prime powder I mentioned in this month’s wishlist, the 3 year tradition of a new Simon’s Cat calendar, a new set of crossword books… urrr, yeah, and many fat-inducing chocolaty things and some new trusty owl slippers. Anyone else get anything similar?

As always, products linked through images. 

Pipe-dreamin’: The Ideal Post-Graduation Apartment.

December 16, 2013

I’m now officially one-fat-third through my final university year and holy mother of maracas, it is absolutely terrifying. The prospect of being my own little entity, free from the cushy constraints of university life and academia, is as horrendously fear-inducing as it is exciting. However, softening the blow is the thought of escaping Lancaster to further, more hip’n’happening planes *cough* London *cough* and fabricating my dream flat (this is the biggest bullshit post ever written, I’m more likely to be living in my mother’s wheelie bin with my mangy persian cat, writing freelance pieces about erectile dysfunction). Anyyyyway, if the gods of goodwill somehow decide that I finally need my big break and I get a fancy PR/journalist internship in Central London, here are some of the drool-inducing pieces I definitely wouldn’t mind adorning my apartment: (this would be so motivating, were it not so easy to while away literal hours)

  • Urban Outfitters – Phlora Double Duvet Set – £50

I’m a big fan of florals but not the uber feminine look that often comes with them – so this graphic print with bright, anti-pastel accents is a must-have. Only problem I foresee would be my inability to drink a cup of tea in bed without throwing it all over the duvet cover – bright white with tea stains. Sacrilege. This would pair beautifully with a set of jewel violet black-out curtains.

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December Wishlist.

December 14, 2013

Okay, this is going to be a wishlist post but, despite it being the glorious month of Christmas, I’m not going to make this a Christmas wishlist (though family members: I wouldn’t say no to these *cough cough*). Fortunately of late, I’ve been offered a number of freelance projects which, after my recent run-in with a ‘Manchester’-based Elance client who turned out to be from Nigeria (and, oddly enough, a bonafide con artist), has been blissful to both my mental well-being and my bank account. Here’s what has me a-dribblin’ this month (most of it is still painfully out of my budget, don’t fret):

  • Alexa for Eyeko – Eyeliner and Mascara Set – £35: Which came first, the love for liquid eyeliner, or the love for Alexa Chung? I will never know, but do I know that most of us fashion-types will jump at anything that Alexa Chung has even raised a perfectly-gelled brow at. After spending about three quarters of the year fighting with an endlessly running out Rimmel liquid liner, I think it’s finally time to treat myself to this beauty. And if I walk out the house looking even 1/1,000th like Miss Chung, that surely can’t hurt. It claims to nourish and thicken lashes with prolonged usage, which is an interesting concept. Truly, I couldn’t give a crap – as long as it’s blacker than my namesake and stays in one place, I’m sound.

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Pipe-dreamin’: Alice + Olivia Pre-Fall 2014 Line.

December 13, 2013

Right, I don’t usually post about anything high fashion because, as a rule, I couldn’t even afford half a McQueen scarf, or the discarded handle of a Mulberry Alexa – but whatcha gonna do? Anyway, whilst doing what I do best – wasting my life on Twitter – I stumbled across high-end brand, alice + olivia’s tweet revealing their new Pre-Fall line: it was lust at first sight. If anyone knows me away from the computer screen, preppy almost school-girl chic is a big part of my wardrobe, so this collection has got me baaaad. I don’t really need to say much more, I’ll let this endless divinity speak for itself (though I may post a high-street lookalikes post soon, for us poor folk):

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OOTD: Semi-Naked Japanese Lady Look.

December 12, 2013

I’m just going to put this out there – I am bloody useless at OOTD posts. I have only ever had the balls to get someone else to take my OOTD pictures once, leaving me to fight with my mirror-picture skills – or lack thereof. However, since I haven’t posted one in quite some time now, I thought I’d post this one as I like this outfit and for once, my hair isn’t being a complete arsewipe.

Processed with VSCOcam with t1 preset

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4 ‘Easy’ Ways To Channel Miley Cyrus.

December 11, 2013

Crowned here, there and everywhere as the ‘(T)IT’ girl of 2013, Miley Cyrus has been adorning our screens with her effortlessly tasteful garbs all year long now. Boys want to bang her, so naturally girls want to therefore emulate her, or jealously throw her to the hills – personally, I’d like to give her a good wake up call and tell her to stop giving us fellow early 20-somethings a bad name. I mean, despite being a whole 6 months younger than good ol’Miles, I’ve managed to get through most of my twentieth year without a) taking my top off for a ‘photographer’ who’s blatantly a pervert and allegedly a rapist b) wearing clothes that cover only around 5% of my body’s surface area c) flowering my Twitter/Instagram account with queerly hip-hop rapper-esque shit like “wit” “ting” and anything else that will probably end up in the dictionary alongside “selfie”, the way we’re headed.

So today, I thought, in the nature of my fashion-related blog, I’d create a little run-down of how to channel the little starlet:

  • Expose as much of your pubic region/hip region as is humanly possible without betraying the whereabouts of your g-spot.

For best results, ensure that you have underwear tan lines – not because you don’t tan properly – oh no, simply because we want people to see quite how tiny and risqué your underwear is – y’know, when you’re actually wearing it. You’re so sexually liberated! My favourite thing about this look is the covetable, world’s-most-confused-feminist Miley appearance it creates, eerily akin to every little girl’s first love: the Ken doll. Not content with being barely dressed with our blatantly feminine arses out, it’s now seemingly cool to show off that bizarre bit where thigh meets pelvis. Sexy. OH yeah, and again – ensure that any photographs taken of you in said loin cloth are taken by an infamously well-known pervert (hiya Terry Richardson, yeah I do mean you).

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Select Fashion Picks.

December 10, 2013

I’m a novice with Select. A bonafide Select virgin, yet to ever throw their pieces upon my back. Yet, after engaging in a desperate round of, what Louise Rennison would refer to as ‘sticky eyes’ (please tell me someone else worshipped the Georgia Nicholson series), with a burgundy blouse in their store window lately – I decided to check out what they had to offer online (and whether I could find that divine little number again). On first glance and, admittedly without having actually had much physical contact with their pieces to comment on quality, style-wise – I’m quite impressed.

Exhibit A: Wine Devore Tassel Kimono £20 

I’m seeing antique gold ankh earrings, I’m seeing slutty plain black American Apparel bodycon dress, I’m seeing this kimono in my wardrobe. I just hope this tasselly little beaut isn’t the equivalent of some fashionista catfish scam – if it’s really as snazzy as it looks on the site, for a measly £20, then I may become the latest Select disciple.

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Ebony. 25. Manchester.
Marketing Manager who likes to mouth off on here about stuff she cares about. Expect mental health, Borderline Personality Disorder, and reviews - from restaurants, to books, to fashion. Talks to cats more than people, but seemingly has a lot to say.
ebonylaurenn@gmail.com